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What You See is What You Get...Right? "I Don't Love You Unless You Don't Love Me"
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CodependencyAlmost everyone has a good idea about what they want out of a relationship. They want a partner who loves them, encourages them, physically arouses them, intellectually stimulates them, and emotionally supports them. Everyone wants a partner to go through life with that is his or her special match. Of course, by the same token, most people know what they do not want in a relationship. They don't want someone who physically or mentally abuses them, someone who is distant and unfeeling, someone who makes them feel like they are less than human. Unfortunately, there are people who get caught up in the idea that the person they've found is perfect and that no matter what, the relationship will survive. Codependency is defined by Methodist Behavioral Resources as "a specific condition which is characterized by preoccupation and extreme dependence (emotionally, socially and sometimes physically) on a person or object." The dependence on one person ultimately affects the relationship they have with everyone else. Delusions, denial, compulsions, frozen feelings, low self-esteem and stress related medical complications all accompany codependency. Codependents choose to stay in a relationship where their needs are not met because they feel that it's just the way life is. The common codependent finds his or her sense of "pride" by playing the martyr, believing that they are better people just because they can put up with the inconveniences and abuses their partner inflicts on them. Other codependents include: · The Prosecutor - One who
harbors anger and pushes responsibility on to others to make their
life easier. Let's use an example to demonstrate a clearly codependent relationship: Gary and Becky have known each other for 3 years. They work together and started the relationship rather quickly. After two or three dates, they were what I like to call "Instacouple." Almost at once they needed each other for everything. In their minds, they were "soulmates." Gary showered Becky with flattering words and attention. Becky, who was going through a divorce, went between utter jealousy of Gary's female friends to complete happiness with Gary to pure rage against him. They would break up and date other people, but always managed to get back together, only to fight again. Each time they fought, they quickly made up. In fact, their "love" was such a roller coaster, it was emotionally draining to everyone around them, and caused them both to lose friends. This year they decided that Gary would move in with Becky and take care of her two girls while she worked a different shift. They felt it would be a decision that would benefit them both financially and take their relationship to a higher level. Oh, it took them to another level. Gary became the children's nanny, and Becky's maid and bank. He cleaned and cooked and helped her with the bills. Becky slept and pouted and whined and yelled. Gary would stand up to her; she'd feel attacked. Unfortunately, this time, there was no where for either of them to hide when the fights would break out. But, true to the history of their relationship, they would fight and hate each other one day, and love each other completely the next. The power struggle over who was right and who was wrong enveloped them. Gary took both the "martyr" and the "co-conspirator" roles. He put up with her, and no matter what she did or what she said, he stuck around and told everyone that she was truly a great person. Becky displayed classic examples of the "prosecutor." She seemed to be always angry, and had no problem with pushing all the household duties onto Gary's back. A couple of months ago, Gary and Becky got engaged. He gave her a ring, got down on one knee, the whole nine yards. She giggled and was happy for a time. Then, of course, another fight broke out over something that was just nonsense, and she threw the ring in the trash. A few days later, she was emailing him pictures of what she wanted her wedding dress to look like. A couple of days after that, she tried to throw him out of their apartment. At press time, I am unsure of whether they are engaged or not. Ladies and gentlemen, this is no way to live. You cannot live a life where you have to walk on eggshells around your partner. A relationship should enhance your life, not drain you. If you or someone you know is in this boat, seek professional help. Codependents Anonymous (CoDa) is a good place to get on the road to recovery. They use a 12 Step program just as Alcoholics Anonymous does because this is an addiction, just as bad as any chemical addiction. There are also other group therapies, plus relationship counseling that you can find. Remember that a relationship is not a game where someone has to win. In a good, healthy relationship…everyone is a winner
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