Progressive Art Study  

PART 3, “STILL WANNA BE AN ARTIST?”

       WHEN I WAS JUST A YOUNG BOY,...FOUR OR FIVE MAYBE,,,HELL, FOR THAT MATTER, “EVEN YOUNGER”.....I HAD THIS STRANGE ABILITY TO BE ARTISTCALLY INCLINED. ALL I EVER WANTED IN MY LIFE WHEN I WAS YOUNG “WAS TO BE AN ARTIST”......THIS WHOLE ARTIST THING HAS LEAD TO SOME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATIONS, THE LEAST OF WHICH IS THE “ROMANTIC PART” OF BEING AN ARTIST.
       BESIDES HAVING TO DEAL WITH GALLERY OWNERS, FRAME SHOPS, PRIVATE CLIENTELLE AND UNCLE SAM, I HAVE TO NOW BE CONCERNED WITH HAVING TO GO THROUGH THE LOSS OF A FAMILY MEMBER (MY MOM) AFTER 14 YEARS OF SEPERATION FROM THEM ON A FAMILY SCALE SO THAT I DIDNT END UP SHOOTING MYSELF IN THE HEAD. MY FATHER IS A RETIRED UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS FOOTBALL COACH, ONE WHO COACHED IN THE GLORY YEARS ALONG SIDE OF DARREL ROYAL. THE ONLY REASON THIS FAMILY EXISTED AT ALL WAS DUE TO MY MOM’S INSISTENCE ON ADOPTING TWO KIDS CUZ SHE COULDNT HAVE ANY. IN 1958, THEY ADOPTED ME,.....IN LETTERS BETWEEN MY FATHER (ADOPTED) AND HIS ATTORNEY, MY FATHER ASKS FOR A CHILD OF MALE SEX WHO IS ATHLETICALLY INCLINED AND OF PURE ARIAN DECENT.......YES,....”THE NAZI KIND OF ARIAN DECENT”......THIS FROM A GUY WHO FOUGHT IN WW2 IN THE NAVY AGAINST THE JAPS, WAS ON THE USS ENTERPRISE AND WAS A NOTED SOLDIER/SAILOR. WHAT MY FATHER GOT INSTEAD WAS A MALE CHILD OF FRENCH DECENT WHO WAS ARTISTICALLY INCLINED.....ONE OUT OF THREE AINT TOO BAD IF YOU’RE ME BUT IT JUST WONT DO IF YOU’RE MY ADOPTED DAD. MY FATHER TOLD ME AS I GREW UP,....( WHEN HE SPOKE TO ME ) “ALL ARTISTS ARE EITHER COMMIES OR QUEERS”..........IT DIDNT MATTER OR NOT IF IT WAS TRUE ( WHICH IT ISNT ) IT ONLY MATTERS THAT HE SAID IT AND THAT HE IS THE ONLY TRUTH KNOWN TO HIM.
       MY FATHER WAS A TYRANT,.....A BRILLIANT FOOTBALL COACH, A GREAT STRATEGIST ON THE FIELD BUT OFF THE FIELD HE WAS SIMPLY A TYRANT, (AND STILL IS) ONE WHO DERIVES GREAT PLEASURE OUT OF BEING A LEGEND TO HIS COMPADRES, BEING THE POINT OF TALK AND OF REMINISCENSES OF DAYS GONE BY. HE GETS EVEN GREATER PLEASURE IN CONTROLING WHAT PEOPLE THINK OR KNOW ABOUT HIM, ARRANGING THE TRUTH TO PUT HIM IN THE BEST LIGHT AND TO HIDE ANY BLEMISH OR SOCIAL PIMPLE THAT MIGHT POP UP. ONE SUCH THING WAS MY MOTHER, ( GOD BLESS HER ) A DEVOTED ALCOHOLIC AND PRESCRIPTION DRUG ADDICT WHO TRIED HARD TO CONQUER HER ADDICTIONS TIME AND AGAIN, OVER AND OVER FOR 76 YEARS. THIS WAS MY MOM,....THE MOTHER OF AN ARTIST. SHE SUPPORTED ME,...HELD MY REGARD HIGH IN HER OWN MIND AND STOOD UP TO MY FATHER WHERE MY INTERESTS WERE INVOLVED ONLY TO BE SHOT DOWN AND SCREAMED AT AS MANY TIMES AS SHE DID SO.......THIS WAS MY MOM. ON MANY OCCASIONS SHE WOULD TAKE THORAZINE AND OTHER DRUGS ( SEDATIVES LIKE SECONAL AND AMYTAL ) AND DRINK A HALF GALLON OF GILBEY’S VODKA PER DAY AND STILL BE ABLE TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ANYONE WILLING TO TALK. ON A FEW OCCASIONS (3) I HAVE HAD TO PLACE HER IN THE STATE HOSPITAL IN ORDER FOR HER TO GET SOBER ENOUGH TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY....ON ONE OCCASION I HAD TO PHYSICALLY PICK HER UP AND PUT HER IN THE CAR AND TAKE HER TO MEET AND AMBULANCE, HALFWAY TO TOWN BECAIUSE SHE HAD TRIED TO KILL HERSELF....THIS WASNT THE FIRST TIME.....I FOLLOWED THE AMBULANCE TO THE HOSPITAL AND STAYED WITH HER WHILE THEY PUMPED HER STOMACH OUT, ALL THE WHILE SHE WAS SCREAMING “LET ME DIE”, “LET ME DIE DAMNIT”, JUST %*^%^&$^ING LET ME DIE”. THIS WAS MY MOM. ON THAT NIGHT, JUST BEFORE IT HAPPENED,.....I HAD GONE TO MY PARENTS HOME IN LIBERTY HILL TEXAS FOR SOME REASON (CANT RECALL WHY) ONLY TO FIND HER IN THAT STATE.......I WENT IN TO TELL MY DAD, THINKING HE WAS ASLEEP,......HE WASNT..........HE WAS L;AYING ON HIS BED IN THE DARK WITH A CIGARETTE LIT.......( HE DIDNT SMOKE BACK THEN ) AND I SAID TO HIM.....”HEY DAD,...MOM IS IN THE LIVING ROOM UNCONCIOUS,.....SHE LEFT A SUICIDE NOTE, WHAT’R YA GONNA DO?”....ONLY TO HEAR HIM REPLY ( AS GOD IS MY WITNESS ) “LET’ER DIE”. THIS SCENE HAS NEVER GOTTEN FAR FROM ME.......AS TIME PASSED, I GOT MARRIED AND HAD TWO WONDERFULLY AMAZING KIDS ( WHOM I LOVE DEARLY ) AND ALONG WITH THEM, MY EVER PRESENT DRUG HABIT......THE DRUGS OF COURSE CAME FIRST IN REALITY AND IN ESTHETIC TERMS OR SOCIAL TERMS......WHEN MY LOVELY EX WIFE “CINDY” DECIDED TO DIVORCE MY WORTHLESS ASS,.......DUE TO MY DRUG PROBLEM,......I HAD TO GO TO MY FATHER AND COWER AND TELL HIM MY PROBLEM,......I THINK I SAID,......”DAD, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU”....”CINDY IS GONNA DIVORCE ME”.....”I HAVE A DRUG PROBLEM AND I NEED YOUR HELP”.............ONLY TO HEAR HIM TELL ME,...........”YEAH YOU SORRY ASSHOLE,.....THATS JUST LIKE YOU, YOU AND YOUR MOM,........ALL OF YOU ARE WORTHLESS,.......GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY HOUSE AND DONT YOU EVER COME BACK”
       THEN I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF AFTER SOME TIME HAD PASSED AND FOR SOME REASON, MY FOLKS FOUND OUT AND THEY BOTH CAME TO GET ME OUTTA THE HOSPITAL.............I WAS SHOCKED THAT THEY APPEARED AT ALL,......NOT MY MOM, SHE’D OF COME AND GOT ME FIRST THING,.........BUT HER AND MY DAD SHOWED UP. THEY TOOK ME TO GET MY VAN OUT ON THE BRAZOS RIVER. THE FIRST THING THEY SAID ( THEY IS MY DAD ) WAS,.......”WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US?” AT THAT MOMENT IN TIME I FINALLY REALIZED “FIRMLY” THAT MY FATHER ACTUALLY THOUGH THIS SUICIDE ATTEMPT WAS ABOUT HIM,.......I LAUGHED UNDER MY BREATH,......”HE ACTUALLY THINKS THIS WAS ABOUT HIM!”...OH MY GOD!.....”HE ACTUALLY THINKS HE’S THAT IMPORTANT!”
       I HAVENT SEEN THEM SINCE THAT TIME EXCEPT ON ONE OCASSION WHICH WAS TO TAKE MY SON “THIER GRANDSON” TO THIER HOUSE SO THEY COULD TAKE HIM BACK TO HIS MOM’S HOUSE. THIS WAS RECENTLY. SO FOR 14 YEARS, I HAVE KEPT A SILENT TONGUE IN HOPES THAT MY FATHER WOULD COME AROUND. I MOVED OUT HERE TO THE SAME TOWN THEY LIVE IN THREE YEARS AGO TO TRY AND FIGURE A SNEAKY WAY TO PUT THIS FAMILY BACK TOGETHER BEFORE ONE OR BOTH OF THEM DIED.........MY SISTER AND HER HUSBAND HELPED ME MOVE DOWN HERE FROM BASTROP TEXAS, I STAYED WITH THEM FOR AWHILE AND GOT MY OWN PLACE A BIT LATER AND WENT BACK TO WORK DOING WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS DONE ( PAINT ). MY SISTER AND I GOT ALONG GRANDLY FOR A BIT,...SHE AND HER FAMILY WENT TO CHRUCH WHERE I WENT TO CHRUCH AND THINGS WERE FINE FOR AHWILE........MY SISTER CALLED ME ONE DAY AND TOLD ME THAT MY MOM WAS IN THE HOSPITAL IN TEMPLE TEXAS AT SCOTT AND WHITE HOSPITAL AND THAT SHE WANTED TO SEE ME BUT I COULD ONLY TALK TO HER ABOUT CERTAIN STUFF AND NOT MENTION OTHER STUFF. ( LIKE YEAH ) I AGREED TO GO SEE HER UNDER THOSE CONDITIONS AS IF THIS WOMAN WAS OFF LIMITS TO ME AND THAT IT WAS LIKE SOME KIND OF SECRET THING. SO I GO UP AND SEE HER AND SHE’S LAYING THERE,....ALMOST YELLOW GREEN LOOKING, KINDA GRAYISH, ODD, STRANGE COLORED........HER VOICE WAS LIKE SHE WAS TALKING OUT OF A FISH BOWL,...I ALMOST DIDNT RECOGNIZE HER. I SAT WITH EHR FOR SOME TIME AND WE TALKED AND HAD A GOOD VISIT,....AFTER A BIT, SHE GRIMACED AND GRABBED THE HANDRAILS OF THE BED AND SIAD “ I NEED THE DOCTOR”....I NEED THE DOCTOR NOW”.....I QUICKLY GOT SCARED AND STARTED TO GO FOR A NURSE AND MOM STOPPED ME AND SAID...”I’LL CALL THE NURSE ON THE MICROPHONE”....I SAID “NO MOM LEMME GO GET A NURSE” AND SHE STOPPED ME. IT TOOK ABOUT ONE MINUTE FOR A NURSE TO RESPOND TO HER OVER THE MICROPHONE AND THE NURSE SAID “I’LL BE THERE IN A FEW SECONDS”.....................I STOOD THERE FOR 12 MINUTES AND SHE DIDNT GET ANY RESPONSE FROM A NURSE,...........I WALKED UP TO THE NURSE’S STATION,.STOOD THERE FOR ALMOST 3 MINUTES BEFORE ONE OF THEM OUT OF FIVE STANDING THERE NOTICED ME. I ASKED IF ONE OF THEMW AS GONNA GO CHECK ON YM MOM AND FINALLY ONE SAID,.....”OH I WAS JUST FIXING TO GO CHECK ON HER”.....THEY HAD BEEN STANDING THERE ATLKING ABOUT THIER BOYFRIENDS AND THINGS THEY WERE DOING. WELL, I WAS PISSED.........WHEN I GOT HOME, I THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND DECIDED I WOULOD WRITE THE HOSPITAL A LETTER OF CONCERN ABOUT WHAT I HAD SEEN IN HOPES THAT THEY WOULKD CHASTIZE THIER NURSES AND THEREBY IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF CARE MY MOM WAS GETTING ( AND OTHER PATIENTS AS WELL BUT MORE FOR MY OWN MOM ) IN THIS LETTER I STATED THAT IT WOULD BE A POOR COICE TO FORWRAD THIS LETTER TO MY FATHER AS IT WOULD ONLY CAUSE PROBLEMS.......SO WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING THEY DID?.......YEP,......THEY FORWARDED IT TO MY DAD..........THE NEXT DAY I GOT A PHONE CALL FROM MY SISTER ASKING ME WHAT I HAD DONE?.......MY REPLY WAS TO TELL MY SISTER WHAT HAD HAPPENED....AS IF I COULD GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE....MY SISTER TOLD ME THAT “MOM WAS NONE OF MY BUSINESS” AND TO STAY AWAY FROM HER........I ASKED MY SISTER,....”NONE OF MY BUSINESS?”..........SHE REPLIED “YEAH THAT RIGHT” SHE’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS”............”LEAVE HER ALONE”.......I HUNG THE PHONE UP ON HER.......A MINUTE LATER SHE CALLS ME BACK AND ASKED IF I HAD HUNG UP ON HER TO WHICH I REPLIED YES”......CLICK.....AND HUNG UP AGAIN............I THOUGHT PERHAPS MY SISTER HAD RELAPSED AND WAS DRINKING OR SOMETHING........ SO THE PHONE RINGS A THIRD TIME AND SHE SAYS TO ME....”IF YOU DONT WANNA TALK, JUST SAY SO”.....TO WHICH I REPLIED “OK, I DONT WANNA TALK” ....CLICK. THATS THE LAST TIME I EVER SPOKE TO HER.        SO THATS BEEN FOUR OR FIVE MONTHS AGO NOW,.....OK LETS JUMP AHEAD TO THREE WEEKS OR SO AGO...............I WENT TO AN AUCTION A MONTH AGO AND GOT A QUILT,......IT NEEDED TO BE REPIARED SO I TOOK IT TO AN OLDER WOMAN WHO I WENT TO CHURCH WITH, SHE REPAIRS QUILTS FOR ME AND I HAD TAKEN A QUILT TO HER FOR REPAIRS AND HAD GONE BACK A WEEK LATER TO GET IT AND SHE TOLD ME............”I’M SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR MOM”...........TO WHICH I REPLIED.........”WHY” “WHAT’S WRONG WITH HER?”......SHE REPLIES TO ME........”WELL, I HEARD LAST WEDNESDAY AT CHURCH THAT SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL AND WAS NOT ECXPECTED TO MAKE IT, .....I THOUGHT SHE HAD ALREADY DIED”.............TO WHICH I REPLIED....”.WELL, THATS NEWS TO ME......NOBODY HAD SAID A WORD TO ME”..... IN THAT CONVERSATION, I PRETTY MUCH SURMISED THE EXTENT TO WHICH MY SISTER HAD TURNED OUT TO BE JUST LIKE MY FATHER..........IN THE END,......THIS WAS HISTORY REPEATING ITSELF ALL OVER AGAIN. SO I CALLED AROUND TO HOSPITALS AND FOUND THAT INDEED MY MOM HAD BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL,...IN FACT SHE WAS STILL IN THERE. I WENT UP ON A SATURDAY AFTERNOON....ACTUALLY IT WAS COSER TO EVENING TO FIND HER IN A COMA DYING OF PANCREATIC CANCER AND PNEUMONIA.....I MUST SAY, I BURST OUT CRYING........HERE SHE WAS,.MY MOM......LAYING THERE LIKE A LITTLE CHILD, HELPLESS, ON A BREATHING MACHINE, MONITORS ALL OVER THE ROOM BLINKING, BEEPING, MAKING LITTLE TRACES ACROSS SCREENS,.....MUCH LIKE WHAT YOU’D SEE ON “ER” OR SOME TELEVISION SHOW. I STAYED A FEW MINUTES AND WENT HOME,.....I HAD A HARD TIME TAKING IT ALL IN.......THIS WAS AT THR ROUND ROCK HOSPITAL, NEARER TO HERE THAN THE HOSPITAL IN TEMPLE. I CRIED ABOUT THIS ALL NIGHT........ON SUNDAY,.I WENT BACK UP THERE AT 9:00pm, STAYED WITH HER UNTIL 9:23pm AT WHICH TIME THE PHONE RANG AT THE NURSES STATION JYUST A FEW FEET AWAY,...I OVERHEARD THE CONVERSATION..............THIS WAS THE NURSE TALKING TO A FAMILY MEMBER ABOUT MY MOM’S CONDITION, I DIDNT KNOW WHO IT WAS ON THE OTHER END. THE NURSE SAID AT ONE POINT “SHE HAS A VISITOR AT HE MOMENT”....”IT IS HER SON”.....”NO SHE ISNT EXCPECTED TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE MORNING”........”OK, HOLD ON”...............THEN THE NURSE CAME IN AND SAID,......... “ A FAMILY MEMBER WISHED TO SPEAK WITH YOU”. SO I PICKED UP THE PHONE AND IT’S MY SISTER AT THE OTHER END,....SHE SAYS......”WHAT’R YA DOIN?”.........I REPLIED......”I’M SITTING WITH MY MOM, SHE’S DYING”.................SHE SAYS TO ME..........”YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW,......YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE,.....NOBODY WANTS YOU THERE,.....DAD DOES’NT WANT YOU THERE”.......TO WHICH I REPLY....”WELL, THIS IS MY MOM,...IF YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE, CALL A COP”........TO WHICH SHE REPLIES,....”THATS EXACTLY WHAT I’M GONNA DO”.........CLICK.        SO I STAYED AROUND A FEW MORE MINUTES AND DECIDED NOT TO CAUSE A SCENE IN THE “ICU” UNIT. I WENT ON HOME AND THOUGHT, “THIS IS A CROCK”.......SO I CALLED THE COPS MYSELF.........THEY TOLD ME, “SCREW YOUR SISTER,......GO ON BACK UP THERE AND SIT WITH HER AND IF ANYONE SHOWS UP, TELL’EM NUTHIN, SAY NUTHIN, DONT REACT TO THEM, JUST IGNORE THEM”.......SO, I GOT MY CLOTHES BACK ON AND WENT BACK UP THERE AND SAT WITH HER TIL 4:00am. SHE DID NOT PASS AWAY WHILE I WAS THERE BUT WAITED TIL I WAS GONE. DURING THIS TIME, IN A COMA, MY MOM,...... AND I,...... SAT AND I SPOKE TO HER, STROKED HER HAIR, TOLD HER HOW PROUD I WAS OF HER...............NOT EXACTLY THE BEST WAY TO HAVE A CONVERSTATION BUT THE ONLY AVAILABLE MEANS AT THE TIME.........SHE, AT TWO POINTS TURNED HER EYES TOWARDS ME AND LOOKED DIRECTLY AT ME. I THINK SHE KNEW I WAS THERE BUT I CANT BE SURE. THIS IS MY MOM, THIS WEAK, UNABLE, DEFEATED WOMAN,......LAYING THERE APPEARING MUCH LIKE AN ANIMAL WHO HAD BEEN HIT ON THE HIWAY AND WHO HAD BEEN TAKEN TO THE VET. I USE THIS ANALOGY TO FULLY ILLUSTRATE HOW SHE APPEARED TO ME,.......MORE LIKE AN ANIMAL THAN A HUMAN,.......”WHY IS THAT?”.......SHE WAS THERE BUT SHE WASNT THERE,...... SHE WAS ALIVE BUT SHE WASNT LIVING,......SHE WAS MY MOM BUT SHE WASNT MY MOM ANYMORE,.......SO MANY THINGS SEEMED CONTRARY. I LEFT AND WENT HOME, MY FOSTER MOM ( AS I CALL HER ) “CONNIE” CALLED ME AT 8:00am AND TOLD ME SHE WAS GOING UP THERE TO CHECK ON MY MOM AND WOULD CALL ME BACK IF SHE FOUND OUT ANYTHING.........I GOT A CALL AT ABOUT 3:20pm ON SUNDAY SAYING THAT “MY MOM HAD PASSED AWAY AT 2:30pm”............THE ONLY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT I HAD EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE DIED 3 SUNDAYS AGO AT 2:30pm. THIS IS MY MOM,.....        THE FUNERAL WAS THE FOLLOWING WEDNESDAY AT 10:00am AT THE CHURCH HERE IN TOWN..........THE ONE WHERE I USED TO GO TO CHURCH AT.......I SAT ON THE BACK ROW WITH “CONNIE” AND WENT THROUGH THE PROCEEDINGS.........THERE WERE SIX PALL BEARERS, MY SON FOR ONE, A MAN MY MOM KNEW AND FOUR CLOSE FRIENDS OF MY FATHERS, ONE SPORTS WRITER,.....TWO HEAD FOOTBALL COACHES, ONE FROM “UT” AND ANOTHER FROM “TEXAS TECH”. ALOT OF THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS ALUMNI WERE THERE,.....A FEW FRIENDS OF MY MOM’S FROM WAY BACK WHEN,......MY EX WIFE AND HER NEW HUSBAND AND MY KIDS AS WELL AS MY SISTER AND HER FAMILY........AFTER THE CEREMONY, WE PASSED THE CASKET, I WAS THE SECOND PERSON OUT OF 150 OR MORE WHO DID SO. I DIDNT HANDLE IT WELL AT ALL AND AGAIN BROKE DOWN A BIT. MOST OF THE FOLKS FROM “UT CAME TO GREET ME FIRST”,......I STOOD AT THE BACK OF THE CHRUCH BY THE DOOR.............YOU SEE, “I WAS’NT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE AT ALL” ( THIS IS TH4E “PAT PATTERSON” SHOW AFTER ALL )....IN FACT, I WAS TOLD NOT TO SHOW UP.........BUT,.........THIS IS MY MOM. AS THE PEOPLE PASSED BY ME, GREETING ME AND GIVING ME THIER CONDOLENCES,......MY SISTER CAME UP TO ME AND PULLED ME TOWARDS HER FORCEFULLY AND HUGGED ME AND SAID.....”I LOVE YOU BROTHER”. THIS IS WHAT MY FATHER TAUGHT HER TO DO,......SPEAK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND DO SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.........MY MOM WAS’NT LIKE THAT........MY BROTHER IN LAW IN TURN FOLLOWED HER,.........”WE GOTTA GET PAST THIS HATE THING” HE SAID TO ME,.......”IT’LL GET BETTER”..................THIS IS MY BROTHER IN LAW................WHAT A STINKING CERAMIC BOWL, COMPLETELY OVERFLOWING WITH FECES THIS IS!.
       MY MOM CAN SEE ME NOW,.........SHE MISSED ME FOR 14 YEARS AND I, “HER”..................”MOM, ...I AINT HANDLING THIS REAL WELL,.....PERHAPS YOU CAN SEE FIT TO FORGIVE ME FOR BEING YOUR SON,......CUZ I SURE FORGIVE YOU FOR BEING WEAK AND HUMBLE, FOR BEING REAL, FOR SUPPORTING MY DREAMS, FOR LETTING ME MAKE MISTAKES AND FOR NOT HATING ME”.
THIS “BEING AN ARTIST THING” HAS BEEN EXPENSIVE,.....IT HAS COST ME DEARLY IN ALL MANNERS OF LIFE, MONEY WISE, EMOTION WISE, SOCIALLLY, PHYSICALLY AND POLITICALLY..............STILL, I WOULDNT CHANGE A THING ABOUT MOST OF IT, BUT HAD I THE CHANCE TO CHANGE SOME THINGS, I THINK I’D CHANGE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOM SO THAT I COULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SEE HER OFTEN. ONE OF THE THINGS I HATE ABOUT ALL OF THIS?...........MY FATHER,..... WHY ONE PERSON WOULD “CHOOSE TO HATE SOMEONE” WHEN THEY DONT HAVE TO IS WAY BEYOND ME........I AM TRYING HARD NOT TO HATE HIM. THERE HAS GOT TO BE SOMETHING ABOUT HIM THAT I CAN LOVE, I JUST CANT SEEM TO FIND IT.
       THOUGH I’M AN ARTIST, I SEE MYSELF GREATLY LIKE HIM, UNFORTUNATE AS THAT MAY BE. HE WAS A GREAT COACH IN HIS DAY, WITH MANY FRIENDS, HE IS HEAD STRONG AND STUBBORN AS GOAT CRAP STAINS ON A WHITE SHIRT.............HE TAUGHT ME ONE THING,.........THE NEXT MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE,........ “WHAT LOVE IS NOT”..............I HAVE YET TO LEARN WHAT IT IS. IF LOVE CAN BE DEMOSTRATED IN TRUE DIS-FUNCTION, MY DAD HAS DONE IT, I JYST FAIL TO SEE IT. MY BEING AN ARTIST REVOLVES AROUND THESE TWO LESSONS, I AM HALF WAY THERE TO BEING WHAT I WANNA BE............ GALLERY OWNERS ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO THIS,.....THE “IRS” IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THIS,.......ROYALTIES, FRAME SHOPS ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO THIS...........................SO, YOU STILL WANNA BE AN ARTIST?..........PEOPLE TELL ME ALL THE TIME,..........”I WISH I HAD YOUR TALENT”.........”I CANT EVEN DRAW A STICK FIGURE”.................MY REPLY TO THEM IS THIS..............”I WISH I HAD HALF THE COMMON SENSE YOU HAVE”......CUZ IF I DID,.....I COULDA BEEN HAPPY BEING A NORMAL PERSON, SOMEONE WHO DOESNT NEED TO BE AN ARTIST,......I COULD WORK AT WALMART AND DIP SKOAL AND SPIT IN A SODA CAN ALL DAY AND NOT APSIRE TO ANYTHING OTHER THAN BEING AVERAGE. BUT I JUST HAD TO BE AN ARTIST, THEREIN LIES THE RUB.

UNCLEWOOLY